Thursday, April 07, 2005

Today everything seems soo strangs. I have been feeling like this for days and i don't really know why. I keep on thinking about the past alot and i know i shouldn't dwell on the past, but damnit i can't help it. Maybe i am really steeping more into depression that what i can imagine. Like for example, i could be watching tv or just not even doing anything and all of a sudden, i just want to cry. I wish i could stop this, i was never like this before. Maybe i should see someone for this. See you have to understand something, before the accident my life was going good. Only problem is that i was doing too many things at the same time. I had 2 jobs, full time school in 2 campuses, was in the school senate and was the president of the computer club. I was only getting 3-4 hour sleep a day. But things were going for me. It was suppose to be my last year then i would transfer to stonybrook so i can continue and get my bachelors degree. Later on when i was released from the hospital, i had recieved a letter from the college saying that i was approved for a full scholarship to stonybrook, i was heartbroken. I still am and while i am typing this, i can't help but cry. I noticed that i was going through depression while i was in the hospital. I would constantly cry. It was so strange that i couldn't even see certain items that i had or touch anything that would remind me of what i had before. I refused to even listen to my ipod and i couldn't explain why. I started seeing the psycologist from the hospital and she told me that what i am going through is just trauma, she even advised me to face my fears. So i tried, starting with the ipod. First thing that i put to listen to was The Strokes, and i cried to that. So i decided to listen to something harder...like Mudvayne. So i put The Patient Mental and whats depressing is that i couldn't stop crying. I still can't hear certain songs, i guess it reminds me of the good times i had and now that i face so much, maybe that is why i am so sad. Also, i still can't wear certain things like my watch that was given to me by my fiance on my anniversary. I love that watch and it hurts me to even look at it because i was wearing it on the day of the accident. I guess if it was someone who had hit me, then i could be angry at them but since it was my fuck up, i can only be angry at myself. I really fucked up this time. Also being here in my house 24/7 isnt doing me so good. No car for me to get out. I dunno what i am going to do. And now the landlord is talking about eviction cause i cannot pay my rent on time cause i don't have a job. More problems, no wonder im so depressed.

On another note, the swelling on my feet has gone down by alot. I don't know how long is that going to last. But i still can't sleep like regular person's hours and i feel like it's taking a toll on my body. Also, my pain management doctore decided to take me off the oxycontin's cause he is concerned of me growning a dependency on them. All i am taking now is the neurontin's, percocet's and the motrin's. So far so good. I havent been in like severe pain, lets just wait till it rains. Then i'll be back to crying of pain.

I'll update again in a few days.

Lilly [ 1:10 AM ]

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