Saturday, September 03, 2005

Very small update. I have alot to post but no time tonite. Sometime this week....i will.

Here are pics of the painted ceramics that i have done so far:
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Im gonna start with the bears tonite...starting with painting the boy bear.

i also was testing my camera so i took a pic of where my knick knacks are:
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Lilly [ 3:15 AM ] | 0 comments

Monday, August 01, 2005

sorry about the lack of updates....just that nothing interesting has happened. my condition hasn't changed at all...its all just a waiting game. atleast i have the meds to help me with the pain.
i went to Millies Plaster Craft and bought a few ceramics to paint..i got some good ones also:

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soo many to do but i can't choose which one to do first...maybe the butterfly..who knows.
i have gotten into printing dvd covers...only thing is that when i try to do the picture that goes onto the dvd itself...i fail miserably...even trying with the software that makes them...i just cant seem to get the printer to pring it out perfectly...im sooo complex..hehe
im off...listen to interpol and the strokes!! there one of the best bands!

Lilly [ 5:15 PM ] | 0 comments

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Wow...update time. Well, since last time really nothing has happened..just some small things. The pain management doctor decided to take me off of the oxycontin because he was afraid of me being addicted to it. I tried being off of it for a month and the pain was too much. I went to him yesterday and told him so he perscribed methadone. At first i was scared to try it cause all i knew of this drug was the meth addicts used it to get off of the meth...but what i didn't know is that it is also used to kill moderate to severe pain. I took my first dose today and i feel kind of dizzy, which is a known side effect.

Just reciently i started speaking to a female friend of mine who i never thought i would speak to her again. It feels good to reconnect but at the same time it feels strange because i thought i closed that shapter of my life, i still have strong feelings for her. Who knows how this is gonna go...only time will tell.

Also i saw another friend of mine who part of me didn't want to see him ever again..lets just put it this way...it ended really really bad. Sometimes when people are friends....it should stay like this...as friends. I do miss him as a friend....but things just got really complex and messy...now its just weird.
Who knows how this is gonna go also...only time will tell.

My taste in music have changed sooo much. I have been listening to Interpol constantly. There 2 albums, Turn On The Bright Lights and Antics are brilliant albums and i just can't stop listening to them. I wish i could see them live...but for now i can't.

My birthday is coming up really soon..on May 6 i will be 28. Scary huh? Part of me wants to celebrate and another part of me doesn't wanna do anything. Lets see what happenes. I will update in a few days to see what happened on my birthday.

Lilly [ 2:00 PM ] | 0 comments

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Today everything seems soo strangs. I have been feeling like this for days and i don't really know why. I keep on thinking about the past alot and i know i shouldn't dwell on the past, but damnit i can't help it. Maybe i am really steeping more into depression that what i can imagine. Like for example, i could be watching tv or just not even doing anything and all of a sudden, i just want to cry. I wish i could stop this, i was never like this before. Maybe i should see someone for this. See you have to understand something, before the accident my life was going good. Only problem is that i was doing too many things at the same time. I had 2 jobs, full time school in 2 campuses, was in the school senate and was the president of the computer club. I was only getting 3-4 hour sleep a day. But things were going for me. It was suppose to be my last year then i would transfer to stonybrook so i can continue and get my bachelors degree. Later on when i was released from the hospital, i had recieved a letter from the college saying that i was approved for a full scholarship to stonybrook, i was heartbroken. I still am and while i am typing this, i can't help but cry. I noticed that i was going through depression while i was in the hospital. I would constantly cry. It was so strange that i couldn't even see certain items that i had or touch anything that would remind me of what i had before. I refused to even listen to my ipod and i couldn't explain why. I started seeing the psycologist from the hospital and she told me that what i am going through is just trauma, she even advised me to face my fears. So i tried, starting with the ipod. First thing that i put to listen to was The Strokes, and i cried to that. So i decided to listen to something harder...like Mudvayne. So i put The Patient Mental and whats depressing is that i couldn't stop crying. I still can't hear certain songs, i guess it reminds me of the good times i had and now that i face so much, maybe that is why i am so sad. Also, i still can't wear certain things like my watch that was given to me by my fiance on my anniversary. I love that watch and it hurts me to even look at it because i was wearing it on the day of the accident. I guess if it was someone who had hit me, then i could be angry at them but since it was my fuck up, i can only be angry at myself. I really fucked up this time. Also being here in my house 24/7 isnt doing me so good. No car for me to get out. I dunno what i am going to do. And now the landlord is talking about eviction cause i cannot pay my rent on time cause i don't have a job. More problems, no wonder im so depressed.


On another note, the swelling on my feet has gone down by alot. I don't know how long is that going to last. But i still can't sleep like regular person's hours and i feel like it's taking a toll on my body. Also, my pain management doctore decided to take me off the oxycontin's cause he is concerned of me growning a dependency on them. All i am taking now is the neurontin's, percocet's and the motrin's. So far so good. I havent been in like severe pain, lets just wait till it rains. Then i'll be back to crying of pain.

I'll update again in a few days.

Lilly [ 1:10 AM ] | 0 comments

Friday, April 01, 2005

Even in such beautiful weather we were having today, my body manages to ache. My legs were so sore, they looked like footballs...both of them. Ever since the tests that the neurologist did to check how much nerve damage i had, the swelling has gotten worse. Right now the swelling is pretty bad and i don't want to elevate my foot cause that would mean being stuck in my bed which i hate.

I just finished another ceramic for my sister, only problem is that i don't know which color should i pick for the eyes. I'll just wait for saturday so that she could tell me. Also, she got me the DVD burner a few days early which im soooo happy. It was in target on clearence for $70. Now all i need is some DVD-R's and im good to go. Also, if i want to connect my other 80 gig hard drive, im gonna need a raid card which i don't have the money for, it sucks.





I'll update some more in a few days. Have a good weekend all.


Lilly [ 1:23 AM ] | 0 comments

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Nothing new going on so far. Today was a very beautiful day, in the 60's. But with all of that pretty weather, i was at home. I was in alot of nerve pain and even with taking Neurontin 600's, the pain didn't go away. I still have pain right now. Also, since i don't have a car, no going out on pretty days. You can just imagine how i feel..really shitty. All i do here is watch tv, go online and paint ceramics. I have done some nice ones also. My sister came to see me for a few minutes and took some ceramics that i painted for her. She said that she is going to put them on her table at work. I really like painting cause it takes the boredom away and also..i don' focus on the pain. Here are the last 3 that i painted and decided to keep:





I'll update again maybe this weekend or sometime next week. My sister is suppose to buy me a DVD burner i think this weekend...so ill be pretty much buisy with that. I have been waiting for this for a long time.

Lilly [ 1:22 AM ] | 1 comments

Monday, March 28, 2005

Where do i start. Well i have some bad news...i had gone to have some testing done which were ordered by my neurologist which was a hell in itself. They electricuted me for like 30 minutes then stuck needles in me to listen to my muscles and nerves. It was so bad that i passed out from the pain. The test results came back on Thursday and it wasn't good at all. When i was operated to repair the hip socket a week from the accident, the surgeon had explained that the nerve was bruised severly and that it would take 12-16 months to regnerate itself and fully heal. Now my neurologist had said that the nerve was severly damaged and that it looks like it isn't getting better which devistated me. That same day i had an appointment with my surgeon and i informed him on what the neurologist had said and i had asked him how does this affect my foot drop and he said that it may come back to normal but that its a big "if". He wants me to continue going to therapy and that he wants to see me in 3 months to then discuss the 3 future operations. It is really depressing because its been 5 months since the accident and i can't even bend my toes yet. I had ditched the wheelchair and walker and i'm walking with the aid of a cane and a boot on the right foot but still, i thought that my now i could at least bend my toes. I get depressed alot and if i hear anyone else tell me that i was lucky to live from the accident i had, i swear i'm gonna scream. I am grateful but at the same time i hate the fact that i am in the position that i am in now. My life is soooooo hard since the accident moneywise and basically in every aspect. I dunno if i could go through 3 more surgeries. It would be like starting again from scratch..rehab and therapy. I have been going to therapy for the past 2 months and its fustrating. Everyday i stare at my foot and i yelll and curse at my foot telling it to finally fucking move and i just end up crying my eyes out and getting depressed. I have gotten to the point that in more than 4 occations..i have thought of overdosing from the pain medication or taking a shitload of sleeping pills just to fucking end it. I think maybe i should of not survived the accident. I just want my life back again, to drive and feel freedom and just. being independant like i use to be..i'm so afraid that i just might not see that ever again.

Then the fight i had with my dad just added to all the shit i was going through this week. I don't want to get into it too much but all i want to say is that my father is the biggest shithead asshole. Since the whole divorce has been happening, he has been turning to this person that i don't even know. More like a stranger and a person that i don't like at all. I was there for him when he was going through his shit. Through his crying because of the divorce to his DUI arrest. I was the dumb bitch that got him out of jail. Instead of being there for me, he has been going to my cousins house and acting like a fucking dad to her kids. He prefers to do that then to fix his relationship with his kids.
Keep on doing that and lying to yourself you asshole. He has 50% of the blame of fucking up the relationship between me and him and him and my sister. My mom has the other 50%. We basically at the point of hating him...were now at the point where we can't stand him. I never had a mom cause she never acted like one now i don't have a fucking dad too. Now is the time that i need him and he isn't even around. He only calls to bother me because he messed up his computer. Most of the time, i just want to tell him to just fucking get out of my life. And the funny thing is that he tells all of the family how much he has done for me and how much he was there for me when the accident happened. You haven't done shit. All he does is bring me fucking headaches. He is the reason why had to get another job on top of the other job i had and full time school. He had promised me numerous times that he would help me. I could name the times that he did but its just a waste of time for me. He is the reason why i am in this position. I don't believe anything he says anymore. And to top all things, the ass didn't even stay one night with me in the hospital. He even fought in front of me with my mom in the hospital. But that doesn't stop him from telling the cousins that he did. He sickens me. I wish i could get better soon so i can tell him to finally get out of my life.

I'll update some more in the week.

Lilly [ 4:59 AM ] | 0 comments