Monday, March 28, 2005

Where do i start. Well i have some bad news...i had gone to have some testing done which were ordered by my neurologist which was a hell in itself. They electricuted me for like 30 minutes then stuck needles in me to listen to my muscles and nerves. It was so bad that i passed out from the pain. The test results came back on Thursday and it wasn't good at all. When i was operated to repair the hip socket a week from the accident, the surgeon had explained that the nerve was bruised severly and that it would take 12-16 months to regnerate itself and fully heal. Now my neurologist had said that the nerve was severly damaged and that it looks like it isn't getting better which devistated me. That same day i had an appointment with my surgeon and i informed him on what the neurologist had said and i had asked him how does this affect my foot drop and he said that it may come back to normal but that its a big "if". He wants me to continue going to therapy and that he wants to see me in 3 months to then discuss the 3 future operations. It is really depressing because its been 5 months since the accident and i can't even bend my toes yet. I had ditched the wheelchair and walker and i'm walking with the aid of a cane and a boot on the right foot but still, i thought that my now i could at least bend my toes. I get depressed alot and if i hear anyone else tell me that i was lucky to live from the accident i had, i swear i'm gonna scream. I am grateful but at the same time i hate the fact that i am in the position that i am in now. My life is soooooo hard since the accident moneywise and basically in every aspect. I dunno if i could go through 3 more surgeries. It would be like starting again from scratch..rehab and therapy. I have been going to therapy for the past 2 months and its fustrating. Everyday i stare at my foot and i yelll and curse at my foot telling it to finally fucking move and i just end up crying my eyes out and getting depressed. I have gotten to the point that in more than 4 occations..i have thought of overdosing from the pain medication or taking a shitload of sleeping pills just to fucking end it. I think maybe i should of not survived the accident. I just want my life back again, to drive and feel freedom and just. being independant like i use to be..i'm so afraid that i just might not see that ever again.

Then the fight i had with my dad just added to all the shit i was going through this week. I don't want to get into it too much but all i want to say is that my father is the biggest shithead asshole. Since the whole divorce has been happening, he has been turning to this person that i don't even know. More like a stranger and a person that i don't like at all. I was there for him when he was going through his shit. Through his crying because of the divorce to his DUI arrest. I was the dumb bitch that got him out of jail. Instead of being there for me, he has been going to my cousins house and acting like a fucking dad to her kids. He prefers to do that then to fix his relationship with his kids. Keep on doing that and lying to yourself you asshole. He has 50% of the blame of fucking up the relationship between me and him and him and my sister. My mom has the other 50%. We basically at the point of hating him...were now at the point where we can't stand him. I never had a mom cause she never acted like one now i don't have a fucking dad too. Now is the time that i need him and he isn't even around. He only calls to bother me because he messed up his computer. Most of the time, i just want to tell him to just fucking get out of my life. And the funny thing is that he tells all of the family how much he has done for me and how much he was there for me when the accident happened. You haven't done shit. All he does is bring me fucking headaches. He is the reason why had to get another job on top of the other job i had and full time school. He had promised me numerous times that he would help me. I could name the times that he did but its just a waste of time for me. He is the reason why i am in this position. I don't believe anything he says anymore. And to top all things, the ass didn't even stay one night with me in the hospital. He even fought in front of me with my mom in the hospital. But that doesn't stop him from telling the cousins that he did. He sickens me. I wish i could get better soon so i can tell him to finally get out of my life.

I'll update some more in the week.

Lilly [ 4:59 AM ]

0 Comments: